I don’t really believe the DIETside of the quote above, but it is how I have felt time after time in the past. Before I started my weight loss journey yet again, I sat down and wrote a few things to myself. I have read back over them multiple times in the past six years and it has really helped to keep me on track and reset my attitude when I wanted to quit. Maybe some of it will resonate with you and help you to do the same, or maybe even help you to get started. It’s not the easiest information to share about myself, but I think it is beneficial. It is imperative to have a “why” that you really connect with and that is powerful enough to drive you forward when this feels too hard.
August 15, 2014
Today, my victory begins!
For over a decade, I have been resigned to just being fat. I had surrendered to it and I have felt like crap. In battling my mind, I have decided that the perceived emotional torment that comes from having to control my flesh and actually be mindful of what I eat is far preferred over the actual mental and physical torment that comes from being more than 100 pounds overweight.
When I was younger, the whole thing was just aesthetic, but at 42, I feel like it is life or death. I don’t want fat to kill me. I need to be here for a long time. My kids deserve a healthy, active mom. There are people that I am here to encourage and bless. God has a plan for me and I am ready to get on board with it and be excellent in all that I do.
I already know what my toughest battles will be and I know how I am going to handle them this time around. This is not my first trip around the mountain when it comes to weight loss. I have been a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers since I was 24. I attended my first meeting at 8 years old, with my mom. A couple years later, at almost 11, I was at my first meeting as a member. I know what challenges I will face. I know my feelings and attitudes about all of this and I will not let them derail me this time.
MY CHALLENGES WILL BE:
RESENTMENT
I have a tendency to resent that I have to do so much to be at a normal weight. I have a brother who can eat twice the calories that I do and still only weigh a buck thirty, soaking wet, at 5’8”. I don’t resent him, but I sure do covet his metabolism. I know these feelings will arise and that stinking voice in my head will tell me, “you can’t do this forever”. I’ve got news for that voice…I can’t keep doing what I am doing now forever! I am in pain. I am too tired to do the tiniest thing. There are many days when I barely leave my bed. My liver is so fatty and congested that I feel a constant “fullness” in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. I have heart palpitations at night and am constantly afraid that I have some catastrophic disease like cancer or atherosclerosis because of all of the fat. I have migraines and just feel useless much of the time. (Not worthless though. I like me. I just need to be me and fat is NOT me.)
When I begin to resent the fact that I can’t eat whatever I want, whenever I want in whatever quantities that I want, I am going to remind myself of how bad I feel right now. I am also going to point out to myself how selfish and petulant that attitude is! I can be such a baby about it. I am blessed with abundance yet complain that I can’t be gluttonous without consequence. I will not let my blessing be an enemy! I’m going to have a good, healthy relationship with food! Self discipline is a good thing. It is healthy and provides all kinds of benefits.
FATIGUE
In the past I have struggled with becoming weary of well doing, so to speak. Let’s face it, there is more thought and preparation required to eat healthy and exercise than to eat mindlessly and sit on the couch. It gets tiring. It gets boring. It gets frustrating. Making good food choices, all day, every day, requires lots of mental and emotional energy. Sometimes you just want cake. That’s OK. There is nothing that you are giving up forever, so stop acting like it. Stop giving it so much power. It’s just cake. In your mind, you’re at war with cake. That’s stupid. Just enjoy a piece from time to time, then go right back to eating healthy. It’s all about moderation and balance.
IMPATIENCE
I want to get the weight off as quickly as possible, so all of my effort is going toward maintaining a thin body, not trying to lose weight. The irony of this is that maintenance is what has always escaped me. The weight will come off if I stay the course. There is no reason to be in a hurry. I think a lot of the guilt and failure I have heaped on myself in the past stems from impatience. If I’m not losing every week, in my mind that equates to failure, but it’s not. The journey can be much more pleasant when you’re not in a hurry and when that stupid scale does not control your mood, attitude and determination. Just keep doing what you know to do and you will get the results. You’re doing this for life, so chill out about it!
OVER CONFIDENCE
At 24, I followed Weight Watchers and made my way to goal. I went from 257 to 148. I made Lifetime Member and thought I had my weight conquered. Just before I hit goal, I met my future husband and married him 4 months later. The combination of marital bliss and hormonal birth control left me out of control. I thought I didn’t need meetings. I thought I didn’t need to journal. I thought it would all just be fine, but it wasn’t. Within 6 months I had gained 70 pounds and felt helpless to stop the climb. I will not make that mistake again. I will not ever believe that I am helpless, even if that is how I feel. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I will continue to attend meetings. I will look back to where I was successful. I will look to those weeks that I felt like I ate well. I will build on my successes, and perceived failures will fuel my determination, not overcome me. I will never be so confident as to believe that I could never go back, because I have done it time and time again. I can go back, but I won’t!
DISTINGUISHING TYPES OF HUNGER
There will be days when I feel like I am starving. Sometimes that will mean that I should eat more healthy foods, because I am experiencing true PHYSICAL HUNGER. However, there will be many more days when PSYCHOLOGICAL HUNGER and/or EMOTIONAL HUNGER strike. Those are the days that I must recognize what is driving me to eat…and resist. It is OK and even healthy to splurge on a regular basis, but it needs to be planned, not in those moments when I want to use food to eat my emotions.
BEING NICE TO MYSELF
For anyone else on this weight loss journey, I am an encourager. The glass is half full, lemons become lemonade and obstacles become stepping stones. I offer a hug and become a personal cheerleader. However, when it comes to myself, I am MEAN. I beat myself up, break the glass, throw the lemons and hurl myself off of the mountain. Finally, in my very best James Earl Jones narration voice, I speak the soundtrack of diet doom in a constant loop in my head. STOP IT! Be nice to yourself. Be that unwavering, encouraging, awesome friend to yourself, because you can do it this time. You’re different now. You know yourself better.
To anyone reading this, if you’re already on the journey, stay the course. If you’ve given up, begin again, even if you have failed a million times in the past. If you’re stuck, consider this an outstretched hand to pull you out of the ditch. WE CAN DO THIS!
